We all struggle, but we need to dust ourselves off

We all have mountains that we must learn to climb, we all have something we struggle with. It’s human nature, and because it’s human nature, I’m no different than anyone else who has a hill to climb and things to struggle with. What I’ve struggled with is something I think a lot of people struggle with but are afraid to admit it. I struggle with being myself and struggle with my identity.

It’s in my blood

One of the toughest things I struggle to admit is that I have Romani blood. As soon as I Google the term Romani, I read some nasty articles about how ‘all gypsies are bad’ and how Romani are scum. But after learning about my blood, joining a few Romani Facebook groups, and actually finding real articles, not ones based on fear, I feel less afraid to admit I’m Romani, but not open enough to announce my heritage to the world.

Because I’m only partly Romani, I don’t live my life like my members of my family do, but I support everything they do, as long as it’s legal and it makes them happy. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to admit I’m of Romani heritage, and I’m not as secretive about it before. I’m sure talking about it and maybe including it more on my blog may actually help.

“But you don’t look autistic”

Coming to terms with being autistic is another one of those struggles. Back when I was diagnosed, the internet was still booming, and there wasn’t a place like Facebook or places for me to search. I got my answers to what I was diagnosed with from a medical book that was one, maybe two lines max. The two lines made it sound like someone with autism was a freak. A weirdo—the book scared me a lot. If only I had the internet to help me.

Hiding my autism played a lot on my mind. I was angry at myself and at the world. I’d explode over everyone and have meltdowns upon meltdowns. Looking back at the meltdowns and the anger I had, I can really say that I was embarrassed and wished I would have come clean sooner.

I think one thing that flipped the switch for me was when my 8-year-old was diagnosed with autism. Even though he’s nonverbal he doesn’t let anything or anyone bring him down. Most of the time he’s happy and loves to do things on his terms. The things we learn from kids is amazing, we learn to bottle up emotions, we learn it’s okay to be different, and we learn life isn’t as bad as people make it out to be. The simple things are what matters the most in life.

I’m a writer

The last thing that I deal with oddly is admitting that writing is where I’m the happiest. I’ve had many people rain on my parade, and tell me that I can barely speak English. I was told that my writing was horrendous and that I don’t write properly. It’s lead me to feel uncreative, and lead me to ignore my blog. It was stupid to allow people to tell me that I couldn’t write when I had school teachers love my writing style or even some writers that I looked up to online tell me that they like what I wrote. I’m okay with criticism, but when people point out blank just tell me that everything I write sucks without explaining to me what’s wrong with how I write, it derails me.

Time to be me

Yesterday I turned 34, and when I saw Mama Kat’s writing prompt from last week, I knew it was time to think about some of the things I struggle with and work out a game plan on how I can change. Changing might be scary at first, and it may take time to admit that I’m an autistic Romani writer, but only time will tell if I’m able to move on, dust myself off and finally let myself be who I always wanted to be.

The time my life changed 9 years ago

Tomorrow (August 11th) will mark the 9 year anniversary of the loss of my first child. Never once had I ever felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and then thrown to the floor so hard. Not even the loss of my dad felt like the loss of a child. Nothing compares to losing a child, even thought you have yet to meet them.

Finding Out I was pregnant

Nine years ago, we started trying for a baby, only to be told by the doctor that it might be incredibly hard to conceive, because of my PCOS. But she gave me the same advice she gave everyone else, start trying 14 days after the start of your period. So of course we listened to her advice, and hoped that things would go our way.

It was a roller coaster ride when I went to my doctors appointment without my husband one day, because he was busy watching our daughter (technically my step daughter), and couldn’t leave. I felt a bit off and was sure I had something else wrong with me. Never did I expect for the doctor to tell me I was pregnant. The walk home from my appointment was one full of excitement. It was a beautiful May day and I couldn’t run home fast enough.

The Ultrasound

It was July and it was time for my first ultrasound. I remember seeing my little baby moving around on the screen. I watched the ultrasound tech take photos. But became confused why I didn’t receive any of the ultrasound photos. I didn’t know what to make out of it, but I figured that’s just how it was at every first ultrasound, that the parents didn’t

Little did I know the reason why she didn’t give me my ultrasound photo was because there was something seriously wrong with my baby. Something so serious that the doctor the doctor had to call us a few days later to tell me that we had to come in to the doctors appointment, and that it was important for my husband to go with me. I was only hoping that there was good news, I don’t know why I kept my mind positive, but I was trying not to stress too much.

The Dream Before My appointment with the doctor

The day of my doctors appointment, I remember having a dream that for some reason my baby didn’t make it, and that there was something wrong with it in my dream. The dream felt so real, and I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. But still the dream played over and over and over again in my head, like a broken record. Again, I kept positive because it’d be better on the baby.

My Nightmares were right

At my doctors appointment that day, the doctor asked my husband and I to pull up a chair and sit by her while she pulled up the photo of our baby. She explained to us that the white parts on his body indicated that there were bones, then pointed to his head explaining how there wasn’t a white part on the top of his head, meaning he could have a birth defect known as anencephaly, a condition that’s always fatal, and that she was hoping that it was just the position our baby was laying, but wanted us to get a second opinion, with the high risk doctor the very next day.

The high risk doctors appointment the next morning was the scariest thing I had ever encountered. I was soon going to find out if it was just how our baby was laying of if it really did have anencephaly. I was hoping for the best. I wasn’t going to give up hope. I was going to be strong, and keep cool. Surely my doctor was right and that our baby was a perfectly normal little baby.

After the nurse did her thing doing the ultrasound, which to me looked like a normal baby. My hopes were then shattered all over when the doctor came in and said that our baby indeed had a serious case of anencephaly. Then prodded my stomach just to get my baby to move. I know they say baby’s at that age can’t feel pain, but the way she prodded my stomach and the little baby with the ultrasound was different.

We were given two options at that time, to either go full term, and have it die inside of me, or if he was born alive, they’d just allow him to die it my arms, since there would be no reason to try to save it. Both options were heart breaking. Or my second option was to medically induce or have a D&C early on so I could try again. I didn’t want to choose either of the two options, I wanted to reverse time and try to fix things so I wouldn’t be in the shoes I was in. Either way this baby wasn’t going to live;

My Choice

I thought about my options long and hard, I didn’t want to make the wrong choice. But when you’re plagued with the the two choices that I was given, it felt so suffocating. I kept thinking about how it looked like my little baby was in pain, and how the baby moved inside of me. While I was thinking about my plans, I felt my very first flutter, and movement from the baby that was growing inside of me. I didn’t want to feel like a murderer and end it’s life even before it started. But I didn’t want it to suffer.

My husband and I thought it through, and he let me make the choice that felt right. It was my stomach after all, and my mental state that I had to worry about.

After all of the thoughts that I had, I knew what I wanted to do. I felt the best thing to do, was induce. I couldn’t go full term, remembering every single day that if it moved that the movement may be the last movement my unborn baby had. I didn’t want it to be born alive just to watch it die in my arms. I couldn’t imagine the pain.

August 10, the day I wont forget

It was August 10, 2011, when I went to my doctors appointment to tell her that we wanted to induce. She wasn’t sure it could even be done, at the size our baby was, it may not even make it through the birth canal without having serious issues. She told us 15 week babies are pretty fragile, but she’d try consulting some other doctors when we left to see what they would say.

A few hours after we came home my doctor called and said that she talked to some other doctors and that it could be done. She then told us it could be done that day. I tried not to let my feelings overwhelm me, and I remember calling my mom telling her that I’d be induced that day. Her and my dad headed out as soon as they could.

The Induction Process

I was induced at the hospital, and given a pain pump, since labor was going to be pretty much unbearable, and because we weren’t going to have a live baby, the doctor gave me morphine to numb my pain. She then told me after the baby was born that she’d move me to another part of the hospital so that I can relax and not hear babies cry as I’d be overfilled with emotions anyway.

The birth of my baby boy

At 5 the next morning I remember my water breaking, and telling the nurse that I had to go to the bathroom, having no clue that the baby would fall out into the urine hat. I hardly remember the nurse clamping it’s small yet teeny cord. But I remember the nurse carrying the baby out with the hat.

The doctor came in a little bit later and asked me how I was feeling, asking if we wanted to know what the gender of the baby was. The pain didn’t hit home until the nurses brought in a blanket, and a photo of his teeny tiny foot prints. The thought that he was that teeny, and even had fully formed feet, ripped my heart out and turned on the waterworks.

Our baby boy was buried the next day, even though he was so teeny, his blanket he was wrapped in felt like a hundred pounds. I don’t know how I kept my composure, but some how I did. All I wanted to do was run, all I wanted to do was cry. Nothing made sense to me. How on earth could life be so cruel?

How I’m feeling today

Now that we’ve finally made it to the 9 year anniversary of the loss of my beautiful baby boy. I still get emotional. I still remember how heavy his blanket was and think about all the nine year old neighbor kids, how I wished he would be out there playing with them. I wonder what his favorite color would be and what he’d look like if he did survive. It was best said by my cousin, that I’ll never stop grieving, all that would happen is that I would learn to hide the pain better. I still hide my pain, and I still feel unbelievable sadness.

To my baby boy. I love you and I’ll always miss you. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of you. Today is the day you were given your wings, and were told to fly. There are days I second guess that what I did was right. Please forgive me. Love, your mommy.

7 Free Streaming Services to cure your boredom

Free streaming services are nice, you can watch movies and TV shows and not pay a dime. There’s literally many services and websites, that you can watch and enjoy many different shows and movies. We even have a few of the paid for streaming services as well, Disney+, Hulu, Nextflix, and Crunchy Roll.

If you’re looking for a free trial service, Black Friday is offering a free month long subscription to Shutter, the horror streaming service, it has classic horror, new horror movies and movies made just for the service. Just use her code “Blackfriday” to get a free month! If you’re not a fan of scary movies, and want to watch something that reminds you of your childhood, I still helping host a giveaway for Are You Afraid of the Dark?, one of my favorite shows as a child!

PlutoTV—PlutoTv is my favorite streaming service, because it’s more than just a screaming service. It actually has live TV, and live TV channels. Some of the channels are dedicated to certain TV shows like COPS, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and even Dora the Explorer (if you have small kids that can’t get a enough of Dora. It has a little bit of everything for everybody.

Popcorn Flix—The site’s free,sadly you can not get it in app form, sorry guys and gals! That doesn’t mean that it’s not a cool website though. There’s still plenty of movies for you to watch for free and enjoy.

Tubi—Tubi has many name actors and movies for free. I plan on watching Wolves with Jason Mamoa on it some time this weekend to see how good the movie is, but if you’re not into Jason Mamoa or werewolves there are many other movies for you to choose from, it felt like I was scrolling through movies forever until I got to the end.

Crackle—I almost forgot about Crackle, I haven’t watched many shows on the channel, not on purose though, I actually forgot about it. Just like all the other streaming channels above there are many movies to choose from. If you’re a home schooling parent or a parent that wants to make sure what your kids are watching is educational, they have whole list of home schooling movies.

IMDB—You may think of IMDB as webpage to get information about your favorite movies and actors, but what you may not know is if you have an Amazon account, you can sign into it while you’re on IMDB and watch movies. They even have original movies and TV shows!

Vudu TV—Vudu is a streming service through Walmart, you do need to sign into your Walmart account (or sign up for one) to watch movies and TV shows. They even have classic TV shows like Alf and Gumby. I was just taking about Gumby the other day to my husband, now I can watch it all over again!

Xumo—Xumo is a service that doesn’t have many movies, it’s centered around TV shows. If you’re looking for short videos from some of your favorite History channel shows they also have that too. I was so excited to see they have clips from Forged in Fire, one of my favorite TV shows!

Watch Your TV—I apologize that I don’t know much about this service, if you’ve heard about it, please explain it to me, thanks!

Please note that some of these services may have the same TV shows and the same movies as another service, but a lot of the time, they also have many different movies that another service may not have! See, being stuck inside because of COVID, doesn’t have to be boring!